You know how you just have those days where you want to do nothing but curl up in a ball in bed all day? Especially if there’s a show on Netflix to binge watch but not really pay attention to. I’m having one of those days except instead, I am dressed up and in meetings all day. I’m supposed to be listening and giving pitches but all I can do is sit, stare at the wall, and mumble some assertions.
Everything just seems to be falling apart piece by piece. My grades are dropping and so is my attitude. All I can do is just keep breathing, going through the motions, and just keep my fingers crossed I can make it through each hour. I’ve tried laughing, crying, shouting, eating, and currently on the verge of drinking. However, I haven’t had a drink in over a month and trying to keep that up. I don’t need alcohol to run my life. I am stronger than that.
But am I?
Last night I was picking out my outfit for the day and nothing would fit. Ladies and gentlemen, this girl has grown an ass in the last few months. And my first thoughts? They weren’t try on different clothes, they weren’t eat healthier, they weren’t go to the gym. No, they were “It would be so easy to just go throw up right now.” I was appalled by my reaction. I thought I was done with that but apparently deep down, I just want to keep taking the easy way out. Even though I’ve basically destroyed my body with the side effects of bulimia.
My job is becoming more and more pointless. My department keeps getting smaller and smaller with fewer and fewer responsibilities. My programming is disappearing. They’ve hired someone to micromanage the employees. One of my partners just quit today. I’m starting to think I might need to be the next one to jump ship. But then what would I do? I would have no income, no connections, and what kind of worker does that make me look like? Life is hard people. Life is so freaking hard and I feel like I”m drowning.