This semester, I have been in this course – Diversity and Advocacy in Education. It’s a brilliant class. I have grown so much because there is a lot of “feelings” talk which is something that I don’t do on my own time. The semester started with discussion of Brene Brown and the genius that she is. If you don’t know her, go listen to one of these Ted Talks of hers: Here and Here.
Each week for this class we talk about different aspects of society, specifically those with problems. This has been race, gender, sexuality, or disability to name a few. However, this week is Body Issues. If you have read any of my previous blog posts (specifically this one or this one), you know that I am not prepared for this. I am sitting at work now and not able to focus because I cannot stop thinking about how I do not want to share.
I don’t look like I have an eating disorder. I used to be considered the purge subtype of Anorexia Nervosa because I was so underweight. But now, I look like your typical college student so I have been redefined as a bulimic now that I weigh more than 120 pounds. I’ve gained some insulation and there’s still some definition in my muscles from all of the sports I played in high school. But you’d never think that I spent time throwing up in a bathroom as a part of my daily routine. I think that might be why I’m worried. I’m worried that I’ll open up about this and people just won’t believe me. Of course the first thoughts in my head are “She’s too fat to have an eating disorder.” My inner thoughts are controlled by terrible people obviously.
I also know that having an eating disorder is a problem. I am so ill because of it. You would think that after all of the health problems I have gained from this condition, it would be motivation enough to quit. And it’s better. So much better. It’s not even a weekly thing anymore. But it happens. And I feel weak, and guilty, and all-around pathetic. And how in the world am I supposed to talk about this in a class? Especially when I know for a fact there is a girl sitting two seats over from me who has recovered. And I’m still struggling.
It’s all very hard. Life is so hard. And not just for myself, I know it is for everyone. And maybe I am a weakling for not handling it the right way. I really probably am. And I’m trying to be better. But they call it body issues for a reason, right? It’s an issue. And sometimes I cry because I think it always will be.
If you are ever considering beginning an eating disorder, I pray and beg and plead that you never do. It’s a dark road and I know I’m on a one way track to hurting myself and possibly even dying. Get out now before it’s too late because it’s a difficult climb back to health. If you are struggling with me on this journey, I pray that we make it.
Keep to your roots,